"The Open Gate" & "Freeing Truth" Reception + Musings on School + The Fate of "The Shadow Loop" + Another Original Song!

It's been a bit (uh huh) longer than I'd originally planned since I wrote my last post. Well, anyway, I promised some reception for some of my newer stuff so I have that for you now!

On good ol' ZU, general member and Writing community member Anju_Amnell started a thread in which people could ask her to read their works and then comment on them. So I did that, asking her to take a look at my April 2011 story, "The Open Gate," (released July 2011) and my September 2011 story, "Freeing Truth." Which she did. This was quite possibly the first constructive criticism I've ever gotten from anybody besides my teachers at school, which is a nice change of pace. That said, you'll see that she also liked both stories overall. First, you'll see Anju_Amnell's feedback for "The Open Gate," which was actually the second piece she looked at of the two; then, you'll see her feedback for "Freeing Truth." Here we go:

Okay, this piece seems a little more fully formed even though its older, there is less trouble spots, and if I had to give any criticisms, they'd be the same as my last, though not so frequent.

I enjoyed the imagery in this, there are some beautiful things.

Quote:

I crossed the street and walked through the open, black gate, drops of water on the iron causing it to shine.

I felt like this short story wasn't fully completed though, like the ending was rushed, or some element was forgotten. What happened to your need to contact your mother? Your feeling for anyone outside? I sort of felt as if you were trapped, but then thoughts of being trapped never really crosses the character's mind. Maybe like the character was actually in a coma, and couldn't come out so his mind was providing the only necessities it could, but again, there were no real second guessing moments. I suppose the strife of the story was missing.

You really have some solid, hard hitting imagery and writing bread crumbs that keep falling from your pockets, and I feel like the little bird pecking at the crumbs behind you, waiting to find the loaf. In other words, if you keep writing, and perfecting you art you'll improve so much that I'll expect to be reading your first novel. There's a lot of potential in your work, more than I see in most.

-Anju_Amnell, ZU Forums, 9/12/2011, here

Okay, first and foremost, I want to make it absolutely clear, that I loved this story. Its an exceptional piece of creativity, and I hope you'll continue writing and improving your craft.
I can see a few problems that might cause you to lose readers in the first half of your story however. Which is a crying SHAME. So here goes the detailed breakdown.

Quote:

privileges and permissions that would normally be granted to princes

Great use of alliteration. This is VERY strong writing.
There are many, many weak spots in the story however, such as places where you use the same word too soon, like 
Quote:

Despite the likely consequences of even laying eyes on the Light, many denizens of the kingdom travel far and attempt (rarely successfully) to sneak past the royal guards and cleverly break into the not-so-secret hidden room behind the throne room without alerting the guards.

Though this one would be a super easy fix, since you can change"alerting the guards" at the end of the sentence to, "alerting them."
(at the end, the light coming from the Light gets a little confusing as well) Radiance is a good replacement for the light coming out of the Light, though there are many equally good words.
Second point of weakness (and I have the weakness threaten me quite a bit) is using phrases or words that I really don't need. The problem with this, is that in the end, you end up sounding almost like you're stammering for something to say. If you've ever been told not to say "ummm..." in an interview, its the same concept.
Here's an example, and how you could make it stronger.
Quote:

And so, Damen had a legitimate reason for being in the royal castle during the time when he planned to swipe the Light.

Damen had a legitimate reason for being in the royal castle during the time he planned to swipe the Light.
Also, this spot doesn't make much sense, and I know it does to you, however its one of those things that you look past because you understand it best.
Quote:

his parents were determined not to spoil their son, despite his being a prince, and they deprived him of many of the privileges and permissions that would normally be granted to princes, such as huge feasts, any toy in the world…even friends—Arten’s parents decided that he should make all of his friends,

It sounds as if they decide to not allow him to have friends at all , and then decide to let him. Perhaps you meant predetermined friends?

One more thing is that as a reader, direction is hardly ever important. So whether the character is to the right, turns to the right, or heads north, doesn't really have any true meaning to us, since we have no real sense of the geography of where you are, nor does it usually matter if they imagine them to one side or the other. Its like telling someone who is in outer space, without a reference, to turn head north. 
Okay, so that is the best help I think I can give you but this is an awesome story and I think you should write something with a series of installments so that we can all keep reading, or even start a general short story thread, so that you can continually post new stories in it, without having to worry about it becoming a "necro thread". As long as you're still working on something you can keep posting it in one thread as far as the writing forums go, even if someone doesn't comment, and as long as its progressive, and not just thread bumping.

Good luck- keep writing, and maybe you'll take Holden's place as my favorite ZU writer.  

-Anju_Amnell, ZU Forums, 9/12/2011, here 

Thanks for the wonderfully constructive feedback, Anju, and I will take it to heart in the future! It is my dream to surpass Holden and take over the Writing forum (just kidding! Holden, you're awesome!). Actually, I had written this relatively long response to your feedback (also thanking you) back on the same day in the quick reply box in your thread, but something happened, and I wound up losing everything I'd written. And I was too lazy to rewrite it. So I won't rewrite it here, but I did want to let you know that I read your feedback and that I had meant to thank you that same day. So thanks again!

ZU August Writing Contest Results + Entry Reveal/Launch/Reception + "Trust Fall" Anniversary

Yes. I did. Finally. I won first place in a Zelda Universe Forums Writing Contest! I tied with two other greats of the ZU writing community, Doran_Bladefist (one of my former co-Muses/co-Teachers in the Writing School/Muses' Oasis) and FightingTorque. I was up against thirteen other entries (a record), and I received three votes--only five or six people voted. Voters each voted for up to four entries. Special mention goes to ZU member America for his outstanding praise of my entry, praise that touched me so deep and made me feel really warm and fuzzy inside!

So, you're probably wondering what the heck my entry was in the first place! It's a folktale-style piece that followed the contest's theme of "magic" in an indirect and more metaphorical sense, titled "Wonders of the Sky." It tells the tale of a man called the Wanderer who travels the world searching for "wonders so impossible that they could only be magical." Following him on his journeys are a group of devoted Followers. Eventually, however, he begins to give up hope of ever finding what he is looking for. Will he ever find it? Find out in "Wonders of the Sky!" (Yes, I used to love making advertisements for things.)

Where can you find this new story? Hit the jump to find out this and more!

The Current Update + Conceptual Dual-Release Launch + Reception on Figment

Well, the good news is that I've started the third chapter of The Current! And now that I'm into it, I should have it finished in a couple days or so. Don't worry. It will happen soon! Chapter three has also undergone a name change, in case you didn't notice it under the "Current Projects" (how fitting!) box on the right. Originally to be called "Chapter Three: The Current," for the obvious reason (if you read chapter two!) that Joe will be going down the Current in this chapter, I felt it was too simple and, since the novel's title is The Current, didn't really express what I wanted it to in regards to the chapter's content. The new chapter title is "Chapter Three: Insult to Injury," of which I will not disclose the relevance of at this point in time, due to it being a fairly major spoiler. Again, it should be up in a couple days or so.

As I mentioned in my previous post, today I have launched a dual-release of conceptual short stories that I wrote over the course of the past school year as English class assignments. The two stories, as I also mentioned before, are titled "The Blind Man Who Could See" and "The Open Gate," respectively. The former was released exclusively on Figment, and the latter was released exclusively on the Zelda Universe Forums.

"The Blind Man Who Could See," which I originally wrote last October, is a conceptual/spiritual story that sacrifices complexity in the plot and in the writing itself for an important, powerful message. Like "The Open Gate," this story is told from the view of the main character. This character is a young man who meets a blind, old man on the side of a street in London. From his conversation with the old man, his view of life is forever changed. The assignment for which this story was written was to write a short story borrowing elements, particularly the character of Vasudeva, from Hermann Hesse's classic novel, Siddhartha. It received a B+.

"The Open Gate," which I originally wrote in April, is more fantastical than its parallel release and carries less of a message. It is also significantly darker in mood. The main character stumbles upon an open gate across the street from where he is walking home, and he/she realizes that the gate is made entirely of pure gold and is studded with all kinds of gems and crystals. He/she decides to take a detour to see what lies beyond the gate, but he/she soon finds him-/herself walking down an endless road that provides for his/her every need in order to wipe the thought of turning back from his/her mind. It's a very chilling story! It received a B or a B+ (I'd need to check to remind myself).

Final "Armor" Reception ; I&L 4 Update ; ZU Nomination

HAPPY NEW YEAR! Now that that's out of the way...

As you may have been aware, "Shining Armor" was originally written as a school assignment. Well, I'm now back in school as of Tuesday, and on Tuesday, I received my story again, which was graded and had comments written by my English teacher. The grade? A-. And in my English teacher's class, this is saying something; he's a tough grader when it comes to writing assignments! In his comments, he stated that he was impressed by my writing (as usual), and he was also impressed by my incorporation of "trickster story" elements into my story. I was especially pleased with the latter, as the "trickster" elements were more abstract in my story than in most trickster stories, and I wasn't sure that he would catch them.

As promised, I will now update you on "Illusions & Lies: Undercover." I have made progress. Last night, I forced myself to continue writing it, and I made a decent amount of progress. I can say for certain that this story is pretty much devoid of any action/violence (there are violent references, though), but it is primarily to serve as a transition from the dark (and still kind of funny) atmosphere-exposition stuff of its predecessors to the next chapter of the Illusions & Lies story as a whole. Oh, and I&L 6 will also be a transition story. Just as an advance notice! I'm not setting any actual date that I&L 4 will be ready by, but I'm hoping it'll be out before February.

Lastly, I was nominated for the Best Writer award over at the ZU Forums (along with two other, completely different awards which I don't even stand a chance at getting)! The ZU Awards are held twice a year, and they span every possible aspect of the forum community, including the creative side. This is the first time I have ever been nominated for the Best Writer award, and I must admit that I have been dying for this award more than any other award on ZU (even more than Overall Member of the Season!) since I first started posting my written works to ZU. The voting process is well underway, and there are seven other ZU members in the running for this award besides me (one of them being Holden, a member who has been giving me great feedback on my more recent stories!). This is not a request for votes (even though I can't get disqualified for making one here since this is not on ZU). In fact, please only vote for me if you (besides belong to ZU) really think I deserve the award. Be sure to check out mine and the other nominees' works in the ZU Writing forum!

That's all for now! Expect some "In the Trees" feedback within a few days! And hope you are all enjoying your first week of 2011! Ta-ta!

Mystery Story Revealed & Released! ; Thoughts on 2010 and 2011 ; More "Shining Armor" Reception

In my last post, I officially confirmed that I would be releasing a mystery story (not in genre; I didn't want to give away the title!) that I found while cleaning my room this past Saturday, probably instead of "Illusions & Lies: Undercover," which I've been unmotivated to write due to too much free time, as my last story of 2010. This is indeed the case: I have released this mystery story, and it will be my last story of the year. (However, on an unrelated note, I will begin making up Spirit World: Extinction tomorrow, which is the last installment on the official Spirit World Saga timeline!)

The mystery story is titled "In the Trees: A Short Story of Vislia," and takes place on the planet Vislia, the same planet where my Sight Chronicles series (and my canceled Sound Chronicles series) takes place. It is different, though. It tells of King Nesh, king of Junglaria (a jungle kingdom), and his encounter with a deadly danger approaching his kingdom. And how his philanthropy and extreme care of others but not himself leads to his downfall. It is currently up on the ZU Forums, and, for a limited time, on the Featured Story page of this blog. A link to the story on ZU can be found in the Master List under Short Stories>Other.


I'd like to take some time now to briefly think back to the past year and briefly think ahead to next year. But to read that, you'll have to...

"Shining Armor" Reception ; I&L4 Update

If you read my last post, you know that I recently released my latest short story, "Shining Armor," on the ZU Forums. So far, one person (on ZU) has responded, which I must say is an improvement from most of my stories: most of those this year have gotten no comments! Also, if you read "Shining Armor," and you aren't a member of ZU, feel free to leave a comment on this post here instead!

Anyway, so this single response contained some very high praise (on top of pointing out a typo, which I hastily fixed after reading the comment)! I thought I would share it here:

I sort of really love this. I had a big smile on my face as I read this. It's a very charming story with a bold, noble message. [...] Reading your work is always fun, and as you pointed out, originals deserve some attention, too.

-Holden, ZU Forums, 12/12/2010, here/here

I found that very, very high praise, and I will mention that that is not the first piece of praise I have received from ZU Forums user Holden either!

Anyway, if you want to read about my progress on "Illusions & Lies: Undercover," (spoiler-free), please "hit the jump," as they say!